Philosophy

Sweet Ben Folds song. One of my favorites. By popular request, here is a copy of the start of the "Table of Contents" to my philosophy. TABLE OF CONTENTS (The table of contents is split up into parts. Roman numerals indicate various contracts. Capital letters are categories and integers are subcategories. Lowercase letters are specific codes.) Forward and Introduction Preamble I. Social contracts    A. Relationships with others       1. Immediate family          a. Parents          b. Brothers          c. Sisters       2. Relatives          a. Geographical location          b. Frequency of visits          c. Holidays          d. Baked goods          e. Second cousins          f. Disposal of       3. Friends          a. Establishing          b. Friday and Saturday nights          c. The pop-in          d. The three-way call          e. The small group          f. Car decorating          g. Refrigerator privileges          h. Borrowing CDs and DVDs       4. Dating          a. Advantages and Disadvantages          b. Starting          c. Maintaining          d. Exploiting          e. Gift-giving          f. Purchasing movies and meals          g. Phone conversation frequency          h. Having the upper hand          i. Ending       5. Other peers          a. The social leech          b. The know-it-all          c. The data processor          d. The Libby       6. Authority figures          a. Which ones to respect          b. Bypassing       7. People on the internet          a. Not really people    B. Activities with others       1. Bathroom breaks (for guys)          a. With urinals and dividers          b. With urinals and no dividers          c. With "tub" urinals          d. When using the stall          e. Automatic flushing          f. When there's no toilet paper          g. When there's no soap          h. Foam soap          i. Air drying or paper towels?          j. What to do when your fly is left open       2. Bathroom breaks for girls          a. Why everyone at once?          b. The real conspiracy          c. Secret underground conference rooms       3. The movie          a. Who should go?          b. You can't talk in a movie theatre          c. Buttered popcorn          d. Bitchy manager enforcing R rating          e. Chick flicks          f. The "good" theatres with rocking seats          g. Armrest etiquette          h. At someone's house       4. Coffee          a. Single or double?          b. Mochas          c. Why all the artsy fliers?          d. Purchasing items other than coffee          e. The little cardboard sleeves       5. Dining          a. Seating arrangements          b. Cloth napkins          c. Lemon in the water          d. Television orientation (for sports bars)          e. The meal itself          f. The check             1. The "reach"             2. The bathroom trick          g. The af er meal mint       6. Pranks          a. The car decorating          b. The TP ritual          c. The trifector             1. Tabletopping             2. Depantsifying             3. Nut tapping          d. The crank call          e. Revenge -Matt

This is the answer

Duct tape. Ordinary duct tape. I have a theory that any problem in the world can be solved with duct tape. Think about it. There is no possible way this isn't true. Give me your problem and I will give you your solution: duct tape. For example, I have a problem. When an individual driving home from wherever his traversion (that's a made up word, but I like it) originated, he or she will undoubtedly come across other people traveling on the roads. Now when it comes to rush hour, this traffic increases dramatically. This is a problem. Being stuck in this mad stampede of automobiles, I couldn't help but think there's got to be a better way. My friends, let me tell you there is. Before I dive into my highly technical and intricate plans, let me show you the steps of presenting yourself with an issue at hand, and resolving that issue, following these steps in order: 1. First you must analyze the given problem and decide when the results need to happen. If your dilemma can be contemplated and thought through, proceed to step two. If it needs a solution in a very short amount of time, skip to step three. IF YOU SIMPLY DO NOT CARE, skip to step four. 2. Step two is the point at which you give it your first few tries. At this point you've had enough time to examine the situation and make your initial judgment. Present yourself with the answer and complete the first test, and see if it works. If it does, congratulations. I commend you. If all of your initial plans fail, your skills are lacking and you must continue to the next step. 3. Irrational actions is step number three. This is where you have no time to think anything through, or you are so frustrated that you don't give a damn anymore. At this level, you perform any actions you possibly can, even if there's no possible way any of them could ever solve your problem. If this is the case, advance to step four. 4. Duct tape. Let me show you how this works. As I was saying I had the problem of many people being in my way when I desperately need to arrive at home to catch the beginning of Antiques Roadshow. So I think it through. Before I leave to go home, I know in advance that traffic will be bad. Therefore, I come to the most logical solution first. It takes way too much time for cars to go through green lights. If I'm sitting at the back of a massively large line of cars, it will take up to thirty seconds after the light turns green before I can even think about starting to move. This is simply unacceptable. So I propose my answer: the second the light turns green, every car in the entire line will hit the gas. Then we will all proceed through the light without having to wait for the car in front of us. Brilliant! Needless to say, this didn't work. People didn't want to listen to me as I was yelling to everyone outside my car. I tried to explain to them to start moving as the light turned green, but all that happened were two fender benders and one really upset police officer. Seeing as how my plan failed, I looked to step three, where I basically pissed off every driver on the road. In my haste I screwed over ever car I passed by cutting them off and running through the seven red lights. But what was I to do? Step two had been compromised. I was left to drive like a mad man. Unfortunately, I missed the start of Antiques Roadshow. I was extremely depressed. But not so depressed that I couldn't carry on to the final rung on the ladder: step four. How can this be you say? You plan to dissolve your traffic problem with duct tape? Yes. Yes, I do. The duct tape solution is simple: I inconspicuously go around town and whip out my perpetual roll of duct tape, and simply duct tape every door of every car shut. So they can't open it! Ingenious idea, I must say. If this succeeds, no one will be able to get into their car for several hours, enough time for me to cruise the streets unscathed and untouched! Thus allowing me to watch my much needed fix of... well.... you know. So there you have it, my philosophy on solving day to day predicaments. I hope you find my guide useful. In other news, this weekend rocked. My Friday was spent in Holmes Park playing with a sweet vortex football and a My Dog Skip frisbee. Then later I had coffee at the Mill. It doesn't get any better than that! Saturday I spent taking photographs. Then I worked. Then I watched the History Channel. Then I talked to Kate. Then I went to bed. Then I decided to write like a first grader. Sunday was cool. I went geocaching on my bike, and met some other geocachers on my way. They were extremely nice people; it makes me want to go to an "event cache" some time in the future. It was a lot of fun; my total for the day was three (and 8.5 kilometers on my bike). And that brings me here. It's Sunday night, and I am required by law to be at school tomorrow. That's too bad. I would rather spend my time doing what I have just mentioned, with the inclusion of lighting hand sanitizer on fire. -Matt

The many uses of hand sanitizer

As I stare into the bottle half full of Purell, I wonder to myself. What happens to the other .01% of most common germs that may cause illness? Perhaps we will never know. What we do know, however, that the active ingredient is ethyl alcohol (62% - for antimicrobal purposes). This means not only can you get drunk off it, but it is possible to light it on fire and see what kind of blazing pictures you can make on a cookie sheet. Two of my accomplices have asisted me in this matter. Names, flowers, smily faces; they were are wreathed in a blue flame. As a grand finale, the entire cookie sheet was coated with hand sanitizer, at which point the enormous orange flame signaled a conclusion of the night's activities. But we'll be back. No one can elude the seductive lure of Purell. This is what I don't get. If Purell is 62% alcohol, how can it leave my hands feeling soft and refreshed, with moisturizers and vitamin E? Is that possible? Am I missing something? Did I really think I could center an entire blog post around instant hand sanitizer? How foolish I was. -Matt