So it's come to this

April 14. Holy crap, I have left all you adoring fans with absolutely no blog posts for almost a month. But I have my excuses; thank you very much Bye Bye Birdie, I am happy to see you go bye bye. (Wow, just about the worst joke I have ever written?) It was fun though, especially when we finally got to perform it in front of a live studio audience! (Um... this is a reference to television... never mind.) Being reporter number three was a huge challenge. Memorizing my four lines took dedication and courage, not to mention hours of hardship and toil. I was particularly proud of my "I'll make sure we've got a wire to New York!" statement, in which I used perfect inflection of the voice that truly brought out my character. And let me tell you, I made sure we had that wire. I walked with it all the way from Sweet Apple my self. And the notebook, who could ever forget my infamous notebook, which will remain confidential until the end of time. For those of you who don't know, the notebook is not some cheesy, sappy lovey dovey, chick flick movie. It is my reporter notebook, shown to several of my classmates on stage during actual performances, the contents of which designed to do nothing other than to make people break character and laugh during the show. And it worked. And they hated me for it. The camera gag was another goodie. During parent night, the show before the opening, my cardboard camera plummeted to the ground. Seeing it on the ground, I did the only thing I could do. Freak out. It's on of those "had to be there moments", but it was a doozy. And finally, to top it all off, is a hot microphone backstage during the overture, and none other than Conrad Birdie himself saying "shit all over the floor", much to the surprise of over 400 audience members. They loved it though; if only they could have heard the rest of it: "Don't you know? If you shit in front of the fan, it oscillates throughout the entire room!" Good times. Wow, did I really write all that stuff about our musical? Looks like I had more fun than I thought. Anyway, on to what I really want to blog about. (Is blog a verb?) Smokers. And not just smokers by themselves, but old smokers. Do you ever notice that you rarely see old people smoking? This vague but true statement makes me laugh, especially because of how valid it is. I wonder where they all are! I can't really make a joke out of this without it being horribly incorrect, so I'll leave it to you. Remember pop up books? Those things may be one of the top ten inventions of all time. Nobody ever reads them, but everyone does try and fathom how flat paper could magically be transformed into a three dimensional object simply by opening the book. Seriously those things are pimp.

Philosophy

Sweet Ben Folds song. One of my favorites. By popular request, here is a copy of the start of the "Table of Contents" to my philosophy. TABLE OF CONTENTS (The table of contents is split up into parts. Roman numerals indicate various contracts. Capital letters are categories and integers are subcategories. Lowercase letters are specific codes.) Forward and Introduction Preamble I. Social contracts    A. Relationships with others       1. Immediate family          a. Parents          b. Brothers          c. Sisters       2. Relatives          a. Geographical location          b. Frequency of visits          c. Holidays          d. Baked goods          e. Second cousins          f. Disposal of       3. Friends          a. Establishing          b. Friday and Saturday nights          c. The pop-in          d. The three-way call          e. The small group          f. Car decorating          g. Refrigerator privileges          h. Borrowing CDs and DVDs       4. Dating          a. Advantages and Disadvantages          b. Starting          c. Maintaining          d. Exploiting          e. Gift-giving          f. Purchasing movies and meals          g. Phone conversation frequency          h. Having the upper hand          i. Ending       5. Other peers          a. The social leech          b. The know-it-all          c. The data processor          d. The Libby       6. Authority figures          a. Which ones to respect          b. Bypassing       7. People on the internet          a. Not really people    B. Activities with others       1. Bathroom breaks (for guys)          a. With urinals and dividers          b. With urinals and no dividers          c. With "tub" urinals          d. When using the stall          e. Automatic flushing          f. When there's no toilet paper          g. When there's no soap          h. Foam soap          i. Air drying or paper towels?          j. What to do when your fly is left open       2. Bathroom breaks for girls          a. Why everyone at once?          b. The real conspiracy          c. Secret underground conference rooms       3. The movie          a. Who should go?          b. You can't talk in a movie theatre          c. Buttered popcorn          d. Bitchy manager enforcing R rating          e. Chick flicks          f. The "good" theatres with rocking seats          g. Armrest etiquette          h. At someone's house       4. Coffee          a. Single or double?          b. Mochas          c. Why all the artsy fliers?          d. Purchasing items other than coffee          e. The little cardboard sleeves       5. Dining          a. Seating arrangements          b. Cloth napkins          c. Lemon in the water          d. Television orientation (for sports bars)          e. The meal itself          f. The check             1. The "reach"             2. The bathroom trick          g. The af er meal mint       6. Pranks          a. The car decorating          b. The TP ritual          c. The trifector             1. Tabletopping             2. Depantsifying             3. Nut tapping          d. The crank call          e. Revenge -Matt

This is the answer

Duct tape. Ordinary duct tape. I have a theory that any problem in the world can be solved with duct tape. Think about it. There is no possible way this isn't true. Give me your problem and I will give you your solution: duct tape. For example, I have a problem. When an individual driving home from wherever his traversion (that's a made up word, but I like it) originated, he or she will undoubtedly come across other people traveling on the roads. Now when it comes to rush hour, this traffic increases dramatically. This is a problem. Being stuck in this mad stampede of automobiles, I couldn't help but think there's got to be a better way. My friends, let me tell you there is. Before I dive into my highly technical and intricate plans, let me show you the steps of presenting yourself with an issue at hand, and resolving that issue, following these steps in order: 1. First you must analyze the given problem and decide when the results need to happen. If your dilemma can be contemplated and thought through, proceed to step two. If it needs a solution in a very short amount of time, skip to step three. IF YOU SIMPLY DO NOT CARE, skip to step four. 2. Step two is the point at which you give it your first few tries. At this point you've had enough time to examine the situation and make your initial judgment. Present yourself with the answer and complete the first test, and see if it works. If it does, congratulations. I commend you. If all of your initial plans fail, your skills are lacking and you must continue to the next step. 3. Irrational actions is step number three. This is where you have no time to think anything through, or you are so frustrated that you don't give a damn anymore. At this level, you perform any actions you possibly can, even if there's no possible way any of them could ever solve your problem. If this is the case, advance to step four. 4. Duct tape. Let me show you how this works. As I was saying I had the problem of many people being in my way when I desperately need to arrive at home to catch the beginning of Antiques Roadshow. So I think it through. Before I leave to go home, I know in advance that traffic will be bad. Therefore, I come to the most logical solution first. It takes way too much time for cars to go through green lights. If I'm sitting at the back of a massively large line of cars, it will take up to thirty seconds after the light turns green before I can even think about starting to move. This is simply unacceptable. So I propose my answer: the second the light turns green, every car in the entire line will hit the gas. Then we will all proceed through the light without having to wait for the car in front of us. Brilliant! Needless to say, this didn't work. People didn't want to listen to me as I was yelling to everyone outside my car. I tried to explain to them to start moving as the light turned green, but all that happened were two fender benders and one really upset police officer. Seeing as how my plan failed, I looked to step three, where I basically pissed off every driver on the road. In my haste I screwed over ever car I passed by cutting them off and running through the seven red lights. But what was I to do? Step two had been compromised. I was left to drive like a mad man. Unfortunately, I missed the start of Antiques Roadshow. I was extremely depressed. But not so depressed that I couldn't carry on to the final rung on the ladder: step four. How can this be you say? You plan to dissolve your traffic problem with duct tape? Yes. Yes, I do. The duct tape solution is simple: I inconspicuously go around town and whip out my perpetual roll of duct tape, and simply duct tape every door of every car shut. So they can't open it! Ingenious idea, I must say. If this succeeds, no one will be able to get into their car for several hours, enough time for me to cruise the streets unscathed and untouched! Thus allowing me to watch my much needed fix of... well.... you know. So there you have it, my philosophy on solving day to day predicaments. I hope you find my guide useful. In other news, this weekend rocked. My Friday was spent in Holmes Park playing with a sweet vortex football and a My Dog Skip frisbee. Then later I had coffee at the Mill. It doesn't get any better than that! Saturday I spent taking photographs. Then I worked. Then I watched the History Channel. Then I talked to Kate. Then I went to bed. Then I decided to write like a first grader. Sunday was cool. I went geocaching on my bike, and met some other geocachers on my way. They were extremely nice people; it makes me want to go to an "event cache" some time in the future. It was a lot of fun; my total for the day was three (and 8.5 kilometers on my bike). And that brings me here. It's Sunday night, and I am required by law to be at school tomorrow. That's too bad. I would rather spend my time doing what I have just mentioned, with the inclusion of lighting hand sanitizer on fire. -Matt

The many uses of hand sanitizer

As I stare into the bottle half full of Purell, I wonder to myself. What happens to the other .01% of most common germs that may cause illness? Perhaps we will never know. What we do know, however, that the active ingredient is ethyl alcohol (62% - for antimicrobal purposes). This means not only can you get drunk off it, but it is possible to light it on fire and see what kind of blazing pictures you can make on a cookie sheet. Two of my accomplices have asisted me in this matter. Names, flowers, smily faces; they were are wreathed in a blue flame. As a grand finale, the entire cookie sheet was coated with hand sanitizer, at which point the enormous orange flame signaled a conclusion of the night's activities. But we'll be back. No one can elude the seductive lure of Purell. This is what I don't get. If Purell is 62% alcohol, how can it leave my hands feeling soft and refreshed, with moisturizers and vitamin E? Is that possible? Am I missing something? Did I really think I could center an entire blog post around instant hand sanitizer? How foolish I was. -Matt

I should be doing my homework...

And my college stuff. But I'm here instead. Because I care about you. So, I'm Mr. Bolt. It makes me laugh. Especially how my messed up answer to the "question" will inevitably be shown on channel 21. It was a lot of fun, though, and according to Andrea, all of us are "Perfect!!!!" She choreographed the dance, which was performed fairly well, complete with "Let's Hear it for the Boys" theme music. Then, it was time for the Elton John glasses which I had secretly constructed the night before with a surplus glue and craploads of glitter. The piano solo didn't come without its mistakes, but it was pretty sweet being able to perform in front of all those people. Thanks to everyone for supporting me. In other news, I have incorrectly identified the squirrel computer as number 12. It is actually PC 1. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my last post. This is so depressing that I really don't have any sarcastic or humorous stories, perhaps because I'm worried about my senior writing or UNL honors, so I deeply apologize. This is cool, however: Matt Gibney search on Google. Looks like I've made it (almost) to the top of the list. -Matt

Where do I begin?

I guess I didn't realize how much I have become attached to my blog. So much stuff has happened in the last ten days, I don't know what to write about. Hopefully I can write more often to achieve the maximum sarcasm factor. Last weekend was our Spectrum trip to Ijoboko, meaning Okoboji, Iowa. This seriously rocked. Now this is difficult to write about, because I can only see many boring paragraphs about how much fun it was for me. So I will keep it blunt (or at least try to). I was rooming with four other guys, and by chance we were given the crappiest room of them all, complete with two beds. Now, another room housing other members of our choir had three beds, and it was poolside. Do you understand what I'm saying? Poolside, fools. We knew we had to take their room, so we hatched a scheme no one would think of: complain to the adults. It worked. We kicked them out of the their room and we were in business. Which is funny because Tony, a member of my room, was doing his business in our old room, which we were later informed that it was the "biggest crap [he] had ever taken." In the confusion and madness of switching rooms, he was unable to get it down the toilet, even after flushing, and it was decided to leave it. Five minutes later, Chris, who was forced into the room with the crap, came back. "You had to take our room," he said. "Did you have to take the shit?" I know it may not seem like it now, but it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. All of us laughed five minutes straight until we were crying. Sorry to bore you, but it was hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the old Korean woman yelling at us to get out of the pool. "You see sign?! It say close 10PM! People trying to sleep! Out! Out!" Hahah, you can just imagine her. Anyway, it was a fun trip and we got fourth in the competition. Tell if this makes any sense. In the Pius library there is a computer, you may have noticed it, namely PC 12, that likes to freak out and make an extremely irritating noise, one that sounds like a squirrel is trapped in its disk drive. Now when is concentrating on hard work, such as homestarrunner.com, this is extremely annoying. So, being the go-getter I am, I made sure the coast was clear and walked over and pressed the power button. It took time to shut down and finally the computer was off. With this information, one can logically conclude that the squirrel died. No more noise. Now you might say, this makes perfect sense, Matt. But then explain this: approximately four to five minutes later, a girl, probably a freshman or sophomore walks into the computer lab. Before I continue, let me give you some background specs on the room. There are twelve computers, all of which constantly remain on. You can just sit down and get to work on any of them. So please explain why this girl would sit at the only computer in the room that is not turned on, and wait for it to start up. What? Are you serious? She's going to wait for this prehistoric machine to take 10 minutes to turn on? I came to the only logical conclusion anyone could think of: this girl loves squirrels. So I once again must cut my writing short, but you'll be back. Or... I'll be back. Either way, Elton John is still gay. -Matt

This is a clever title

Actually, it's not. But that's what makes it so clever. Get it? Neither do I. So it seems I always reflect on the weekends, but it's true. Since nothing happens during the week, there is nothing to examine or interpret. But weekends are different. Weekends rule. This one started for me on Friday, actually, when I woke up at 3:52AM to see Georgio Bush at the Qwest Center. Anyway, that was cool, even though the security guard made me delete a picture I took with my phone. But wait a minute. How many people around me had cameras? Why were there thousands of flashes during the President's speech on social security? Please explain? Anyway, outside the Qwest Center were protesters, and we gave them what they deserved: comments like, "Get a haircut, hippie," or "Get a job." Then we unintentionally stood behind a news camera, and once we realized the possibility for mischief, well, you probably figured out what happened. We threw snowballs, well, really iceballs at each other and did our Spectrum routine. Bush's motorcade was cool. Tons of cars and motorcycles and limos and those little ear pieces CIA guys wear. Sweet. We returned home at 11:30AM, and I decided I wasn't going back to school. So what was I to do? Rock Ed's world at Halo. Again, there is nothing you can't do with a 100-foot LAN cable. Anyway, I don't want to turn into Harvey Johnson, so let's move along, shall we? Work sucks. I didn't get to my acoustic gig until after I was released, around 10:30PM. Keep in mind I wasn't just listening to music, I was the music; I was playing. Oh well, playing unplugged was interesting, almost as interesting as Donald Trump eating a banana encased with gold. Where the hell did that come from? Man, I tell you, I really shouldn't make these horrible jokes. It's not even a joke, really. It's essentially a rich man who looks like an orangutan consuming a food that an orangutan eats... except this one is gold plated. This is where my post actually has something. This is a story I think you'll enjoy. While coming back from Rob's house, the location of the gig, I drove in the dark construction area on 84th street. I was traveling at a high velocity, maneuvering through cones and barrels flawlessly. Until, when out of nowhere I made my error; a curb grew from the ground right in front of me. Using my superhuman skills, I swerved away with the reaction time of Garfield smelling lasagna. But it was too late. The curb had it's own ideas; it held a grudge against me from second grade, when I wrote "fart" on its side with chalk. The car gave a loud thump and I looked back, only too see dust and smoke flying every which way, concealing the exact location of the curb. Looking back I watched, and seconds ticked by, until finally, a disc flew down into the mess. Was it a UFO? But then I identified it: it was my hubcap. It fell right out of the sky and landed on the ground, literally coming out of nowhere. I stopped and did the only thing I could do: laugh my freakin' head off. I returned to the scene and picked up my hubcap, which is still laying in my trunk. Oh and I forgot to mention, as it seems I am obsessed with feedback and comments, because I so insecure I need other's opinions to comfort me, I encourage you to do so. Those of you without a blog of their own can still leave messages, just click "Post anonymously" or something like that. Now I'm currently off to watch the Huskers game, they're playing ISU. Too bad I don't have courtside seats... -Matt